Gossip Girl and a bag of biscuits

Have you ever experienced waking up one day and realizing that the only thing you want to do is jump back into bed. This day felt exactly like that, and that is exactly what I did. You may say that I'm being such a drama queen but i don't care. As of the moment it seems like the past year of my life has been for nothing, and that my plans of going to New York are becoming more and more far fetched.

But instead of droning the day in my misery, I turned on my laptop and watched gossip girl. I had a whole pack or biscuits, 3 glasses of milk, 5 packs of those sinful otap's and 4 glasses of coke. Coke zero of course, I'm on a diet! By the end of season two of GG I had enough sugar in my system to power me for the next two weeks, but who's counting. I needed my comfort food.

I'm lost. It's been a year since I graduated from college and I haven't earned 1 centavo. With the arrival of the current circumstances, looks like I won't be earning 1 penny soon either.

Anyhoo, now that I'm done sulking I better head off to bed again. All i can do now is sleep, and hope that tomorrow brings better insights to help me make a decision. Should I or should I not go to New York? Besides, I have an early day tomorrow. I need to do cardio to burn off all that sugar I ingested and ab work-outs because that's what gay people do.

Leaving Adjourned

It seems like my departure for New York will be moved to a later date, or even worse, be halted completely. The conversations I had with my father over lunch concerning the financial implications of my trip to New York wasn't over. Again he pointed out the expense and the ludicrousness of my trip. There's no point in leaving if I was going to come back in four months. I was just going to waste his money.

I pointed out that before I started the process of verifying my documents and enrolling to a review center for the upcoming state boards, I asked for his approval. I asked for approval before asking for 50,000 pesos to process my documents. I asked for his approval before i devoted the past 1 year of my life to making the necessary preparations for New York. That's 1 year of not working, 1 year of processing documents, 1 year of studying for the exam. Why should i be chastised for something that my dad approved of in the beginning.

I pointed out my frustrations to him. I expressed my anger. Why just now? Why now when I'm about to leave? We should have had this conversation a year ago. But that's where i was wrong. I was wrong to express my dissatisfaction with his decisions. I was wrong to express anything. It's a cultural thing. The Filipino culture that parents are always right. As long as you are living in your parents house, your opinions are limited to either agreeing or neutral.

Don't get me wrong though, I do want to be a Pilot. I would forgo New York if it means i can be a pilot here in Manila. He pointed out that I should just stay here and wait for an opening at PAL aviation school instead of going to New York. He made a couple of of calls to people who, turns out, can pull strings to make my being a pilot easier.

That just made me angrier. Again, he should have made those calls a year ago! If I back out from New York now, then all my efforts for the past year would be for nothing.

Looks like my departure is being threatened to be cancelled. I hope things turn out for the best, whatever the best is.

Parents are always right, even if they are wrong

As the date of my departure approaches, my father is becoming more and more concerned about my leaving. After all, I am not just leaving his house, I am leaving this country. My father is going send me to New York, by myself. It will be like diving into a pool for the first time, except i will be wearing a blindfold and I wouldn't know whether the pool has water or not. I guess that's New York for you.

Let me give you a brief background of my plan for the next half a year. I will go to New York, get my license as a physiotherapist and find work. I will work in New York for the next 4 or 5 months, after which i may come back to Manila to enroll for Philippine Airlines' (PAL) aviation school. Yes, I am an aspiring pilot. Unfortunately with the current status of the economy in this country and the global recession, airlines need more passengers than they needs pilot. Thus i used the words "may come back," since my future will depend whether or not PAL will need pilots.

We were discussing the progress of my departure over Lunch. Currently I'm in the process of verifying my credentials and my eligibility to work abroad. The process where in New York makes sure i didn't graduate from Quiapo, the country's capital for fake diplomas. The gravity of my impending departure may just have dawned onto my dad, because now he is more concerned and less encouraging than he used to be. He used to be all for New York and starting my career, but now he's telling me that I did not plan well. He might now have said it directly, but i sensed that he was having second thoughts of sending me to New York due to the financial implications of the trip. There was a displeased undertone in my voice and I made sure my dad noticed it.

I know that this trip isn't a joke. With the airfare, food, hotel/motel accommodations and exam fees, my decision to move to New York is all but cheap. I was aware of this and I made sure that my parents were also aware of this even before i started the process of leaving. I even quoted a price of 150,000 to 200,000 pesos to my parents and asked them whether they are fine with shouldering the expenses. I also asked my dad if he was OK with the fact that after all that expense, I may end up going back to Manila for Flying school. He used to be ok with that idea, but i guess now he's not.

Aside from the obvious financial implications, my dad also pointed out how my plan was flawed. All I planned for was going to the states, but I was not able to plan where I would be staying, how I would find work and how I was going to convert my visa to a working visa. My dad had a point, but I wanted to raise my voice and say "I'm sorry but I just don't plan 5 months in advance." Seriously, who does that? I know that these plans are integral to the success of my life in New York, and I'll get to that, just not now.

Last but not the least, My dad said I should be open to the possibility of just staying in Manila and work as a physiotherapist here while waiting for PAL. Or i could try becoming a Flight attendant for the mean time.

NO F-ing WAY! I am not going to work as a physiotherapist here in Manila, do an 8 to 5, Monday to Saturday and earn 150 dollars a month. let me repeat that, EARN 150 DOLLARS A MONTH! And no offense to the flight attendants out there but i just can't imagine myself serving coffee or tea. Besides, being a gay and being a flight attendant just seems too redundant.

I know my dad has valid reasons for being so concerned and having second thoughts, but he should have expressed it BEFORE i started with the process of leaving. Not now, when we've already spent 50,000 pesos and I'm already enrolled in a review class.

In my opinion, It's too late to back out. I'm already on the edge of the diving board, the only thing left to do is jump right in. To plan is to remove my blindfold, but to go to New York is to not look down to check whether the pool has water. You'll just never know whether you're diving into an empty pool.

The conversation ended with my dad calling an auntie Babylyn in New York. what? I suddenly have aunties in New York? In an instead I had uncles and aunties in Long island and where-ever. With names I never heard of and relationships like tongue twisters. My dad's cousin's uncle's auntie's pet cat... wait you lost me.

Now, with the recent conversation with my dad, I feel more unsure than ever. Should I really go to New York?

why do we always run into the people we least want to run into?

I mean seriously, why? the more you pray not to bump into an ex or a previous fling, poof, there they are!

It started last week at a popular club called Encore. I ran into Nic, my previous fling. I didn't want to run into him because i felt like i couldn't face him after what i did to him. I vanished into thin air after our failed attempt at sex. Then when i got into the club, i ran into this guy, who's name i can't recall at the moment. He was the one who vanished after we slept together.

I was at the gym at Makati City earlier. I know it was likely that i was going to run into Elijah since he gym's in Makati so i kept praying not to. And all of a sudden, there he was, sitting on one of the couches. I couldn't face him because i disappeared after we had sex. You may say that I'm a jerk for toying with these people's emotions. But i ask you, who isn't? Aren't we all jerks at one point in our lives? Playing around and hurting people simply because we can? Don't blame with what happened with Elijah though. The only thing more bland than his personality was a night with him in bed. I don't know about you but I do like a little "bromance" even though it's just fling sex. But with him it just felt like rape. Aside from this, he laughed at me when i started dating my current boyfriend. Now i am proud to say, we're still together after more than a year. No playing around for the mean time i guess.

Is this just coincidence or karma or bad luck, or are my ex-flings conspiring with each other? Is this their final goodbye for me when i leave for New York? Do you really just bump into the people you dislike the most? That i don't know, but I'll tell you what i know. The next time i pray not to bump into someone, it would be Derek Ramsey!

quality time and bread crumbs

I Payed my boyfriend a visit at Makati City today. It's been 3 weeks since i last dropped by his place and he's been calling our lack of QT (quality time) as unhealthy. That day, I had to bring my old laptop to Apple service center which is five minutes away from his place since i was dumb enough to get the keyboard wet. Although i did not go to his area for the sole purpose of visiting, it was still nice to see him. It's sad though, I can really percieve the difference in my feelings for him. I used to not mind travelling for almost two hours just to see him, but now thats no longer the case. I had to drag myself out of the house (and into the scorching Manila heat) just to go to Makati, and it's not without the alterior motive of having my mac repaired.

It's been a long time since we last watched a movie together. This time we watched Julie and Julia since it seemed apt for the moment. My boyfriend and i recently started our own blogs for our own reasons. I started mine to keep track of my life as i move to New York, he started his to get thoughts out of his mind. I suggested that it might help since he was having severe bouts of insomnia lately. So severe that neither tylenol PM nor valiums put him to sleep. If you don't know, the Julie/Julie project is a popular blog, that was turned into a book, and is now a movie starring Meryl Streep. Wow, I'd like to see that happen to my blog! hah!

At around half of the movie i got bored so i took an Otap. Its a biscuit thats extremely crunchy and flaky and sprikled with sugar. I went over him and took a big bite out of the Otap, being careful that all the crumbs fell on his chest. Then i took my hand and rubbed the crumbs all over his chest. Trust me it was more weird that it was erotic, but it's just what i was aiming for. To annoy my boyfriend is my own way of showing how much i love him.

To my surprise he just lied there and let me rub all that sugar and crumb all over his chest. He gave me a smile, a sincere one. A smile that meant "what your doing is fucking gross but keep doing it." I guess this was his own little way of acknowledging my abnoxious gesture of love. He must really miss me and how I play these little pranks on him. I think i miss him too, but definitely and sadly not as much as he misses me. We watch the rest of the movie, lying inside each others arms.

Before i left i gave him some of my Rivotril to help with his insomnia. The drug i used to use when i still had my insomnia. I switched to a different kind of drug (the anti-depressant type) and I'm now having trouble waking up. But hey, that beats not having any sleep. Sometimes i feel like I'm the reason why he is having trouble sleeping. Me growing colder and colder to him as time passes, and of course my leaving for New York and our inevitable break-up.

when i fall out of love...

In 2 weeks, my partner and i will be celebrating the first anniversary of our relationship. This by far is my longest relationship with anyone, boy or girl. Unfortunately, for the past few weeks the chasm between us have been growing wider and wider. I no longer text him sweet notes nor talk to him on the phone like teenage lovers as we used to. I think i have fallen out of love. I don't know how this happened. Every now and then we'd have our petty fights but i can't pin point the main reason why I've fallen out of love. I just did.

We were at Pasto last night and we talked about the status of our relationship. He told me that i was the first guy who ever told him "I'm no longer in love with you, but i still love you." I'd like make myself believe that this happens in all relationships. The ecstatic feeling of 'falling in love' fades after some time. I think i need someone to tell me that whats happening to me and our relationship is normal. But sometimes, i can't help but wonder, am i staying with him because i still love him or because of pity? because my conscience can't bare break up with him 2 weeks short of our anniversary? Will my feelings ever come back?

And most of all, i know for a fact that I am staying with him because I am scared. I'm scared that if I break up with him, i may never find another man that will love me like he loves me. In my world, men who are as loving as they are loyal are almost impossible to find.

Am i staying with my boyfriend for all the wrong reasons? Or am i staying with him because i know we've transcended the phase of being 'in love', and our relationship is now on a different level?

do i really still love him?

Celebrity to Minority

You could probably consider me as a not so anonymous local semi-celebrity in my university. When i walk around the campus, double-takes are normal and hearing conversations with my name in it is a rather frequent event. I can't help it, I guess attention comes with being gay. Spending a little more time than the average man on beauty regimens do pay-off. You stand out, girls and the "unstraight" guys tend to notice you. Aside from that, my winning a couple of beauty pageant titles this past year just boosted my profile up by a notch.

Everyone knows looking good has its benefits. People treat the beautiful a little more nicely. They get extra perks just for being pretty. And a little more attention from people always brings about a certain pleasure. Last saturday i passed on my pageant crown to my successor. I walked on the very stage where I was crowned more than a year ago, basking in the attention for the very last time. But what troubles me is that for some reason it feels like it's not only my reign that is ending. I feel like if i go to New York, the perks that comes with the looks will end as well. I've heard a multitude of horror stories about the mean streets of New York. It scares me to think that in 2 months, I'll be living there by myself. I will be shorter than the average westerner and will be a "twink" as compared to american men.(something i dont consider as a compliment) I will no longer be backed up by my looks. Aside from this vanity issue, I will be a minority. No matter how much we fight for equality and how people strive for political correctness, racial discrimination is inevitable. And I'm gay, do i have to explain further?

This sudden change in the way people will be treating me is whats going to be most difficult. I find myself asking, Will i be able to handle NYC? How long will i last?

P.S. I've been winning beauty pageants since i was thirteen but up until now i still don't know what to call myself. If you call girls beauty queens then what do you call me? (i won't take beauty king for an answer)