spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I needed more than a spoon of sugar to swallow what i was about to do to my boyfriend. I needed Three cups in fact. Three cups of sonja's cupcakes to swallow my medicine. B and i were walking at Serendra that day, and a beautiful day it was to break his heart. It was bound to happen anyway. We both saw it coming, we both understand why and we both knew it was the right thing to do.

He asked me what was going to happen to "us" when i moved away. I said "we're gonna break up." Those were the exact and the only words i said to him. Now my conscience is killing me for being so cold. Even though we both are non believers in long distance relationships, I lacked the euphemism that the moment required to make things sink in a little bit smoothly. He has always disliked this side of me, my being stoic and cold at times. I've always had this attitude of keeping all my emotions inside in the fear of looking vulnerable. I'm sorry that i hurt you B, I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling inside. It's like I'm passing kidney stones. From what I've heard its excruciating.

I guess i have just gone through what most people wouldn't even think of. Who does that? Who plan's a break up in while still so in love? I could say that it's just one of the many obligations of moving away. When you leave, you have to sever some of the bonds that tie you to your previous life. Most bonds are easily ended with goodbye's, but there are some that are particularly difficult. Particularly painful. But it's just something that you have to do so you won't leave people hanging.

I downed those three cupcakes faster than a PE. But it seems like all this sinful sweetness in my mouth wasn't enough to mask all the sorrow of the moment.

when men love men

I consider the relationship between two men as the real fairytale. In this world where happy endings almost no longer exists, the gay relationship fits right in. It is as elusive as it is perplexing. There are many confounding factors that make gay relationships complicated. One of the most basic concepts that most people dont know about is that we gay people are further subdivided to 5 different strata. These subclasses are as follows: Pure Tops, Versa top, Versa, Versa Bottoms, Pure bottoms. I will no longer dwell in this topic but for a relationship to work, partners must belong in compatible subclasses. When they don’t, more often than not, the relationship fails.

As I’ve said in my earlier blog, gay relationships are normally short lived. Ephemeral, ending once the pleasure is gone. This is a fact of life, something that happens when you put two men in one relationship. I’m proud to say though that I’ve had a partner for almost a year. But to truly understand the value of this gay relationship, one must multiply the length of time by 4. Therefore, figuratively speaking, it’s like being with my partner for 4 years. Aside from this, we belong in an incompatible strata. Serious compromises happened in this relationship that straight people may never fathom.

I don’t know why I fell in love with him. If you ask me now, i still don’t know. I just did. I admit thats theres no longer a spark, I no longer have those butterflies in my stomach. Yet, I still choose to be with my partner. I believe this happen’s in all relationships, whether gay or straight. The excitement you feel and the constant longing for your loved one are simply chemical reactions happening in your brain. These feeling ALWAYS fade, and when it does, a relationship may fade with it. This is where you choose. You choose to be with that person, even if theres no longer that spark, even if theres no longer butterflies.

I value this relationship. I love him. I love him too much. I hate him for making my moving to New York harder. He may not be able to read this blog, but I wish he knows I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for what I’m about to do to him, but it’s just something that I have to do.