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spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down

I needed more than a spoon of sugar to swallow what i was about to do to my boyfriend. I needed Three cups in fact. Three cups of sonja's cupcakes to swallow my medicine. B and i were walking at Serendra that day, and a beautiful day it was to break his heart. It was bound to happen anyway. We both saw it coming, we both understand why and we both knew it was the right thing to do.

He asked me what was going to happen to "us" when i moved away. I said "we're gonna break up." Those were the exact and the only words i said to him. Now my conscience is killing me for being so cold. Even though we both are non believers in long distance relationships, I lacked the euphemism that the moment required to make things sink in a little bit smoothly. He has always disliked this side of me, my being stoic and cold at times. I've always had this attitude of keeping all my emotions inside in the fear of looking vulnerable. I'm sorry that i hurt you B, I don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling inside. It's like I'm passing kidney stones. From what I've heard its excruciating.

I guess i have just gone through what most people wouldn't even think of. Who does that? Who plan's a break up in while still so in love? I could say that it's just one of the many obligations of moving away. When you leave, you have to sever some of the bonds that tie you to your previous life. Most bonds are easily ended with goodbye's, but there are some that are particularly difficult. Particularly painful. But it's just something that you have to do so you won't leave people hanging.

I downed those three cupcakes faster than a PE. But it seems like all this sinful sweetness in my mouth wasn't enough to mask all the sorrow of the moment.

when men love men

I consider the relationship between two men as the real fairytale. In this world where happy endings almost no longer exists, the gay relationship fits right in. It is as elusive as it is perplexing. There are many confounding factors that make gay relationships complicated. One of the most basic concepts that most people dont know about is that we gay people are further subdivided to 5 different strata. These subclasses are as follows: Pure Tops, Versa top, Versa, Versa Bottoms, Pure bottoms. I will no longer dwell in this topic but for a relationship to work, partners must belong in compatible subclasses. When they don’t, more often than not, the relationship fails.

As I’ve said in my earlier blog, gay relationships are normally short lived. Ephemeral, ending once the pleasure is gone. This is a fact of life, something that happens when you put two men in one relationship. I’m proud to say though that I’ve had a partner for almost a year. But to truly understand the value of this gay relationship, one must multiply the length of time by 4. Therefore, figuratively speaking, it’s like being with my partner for 4 years. Aside from this, we belong in an incompatible strata. Serious compromises happened in this relationship that straight people may never fathom.

I don’t know why I fell in love with him. If you ask me now, i still don’t know. I just did. I admit thats theres no longer a spark, I no longer have those butterflies in my stomach. Yet, I still choose to be with my partner. I believe this happen’s in all relationships, whether gay or straight. The excitement you feel and the constant longing for your loved one are simply chemical reactions happening in your brain. These feeling ALWAYS fade, and when it does, a relationship may fade with it. This is where you choose. You choose to be with that person, even if theres no longer that spark, even if theres no longer butterflies.

I value this relationship. I love him. I love him too much. I hate him for making my moving to New York harder. He may not be able to read this blog, but I wish he knows I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for what I’m about to do to him, but it’s just something that I have to do.

Ex Ex Ex

I try to psych myself. I prepare my mind for my moving to New York. Today I found myself thinking of things that would make leaving Manila more bearable. My EXes garnered the top position on my list.

Oh my dear EXes, I’d love to write down all your names on stickers and use them as labels for my beauty products. So that every time I apply creams on my face, I’d be reminded that you, my dear EXes contributed to these dark circles under my eyes and these pores that are starting to grow the size of manholes.

I’m the type of guy who erase EXes from his life. I try to avoid all forms of contact and interaction with my EXes. No, this is not a sign of not being able to move on and neither is it a sign of bitterness. It’s just that for me, Exes are Exes for a reason. I don’t break up with someone not unless they end up being jerks.

For those who are not familiar with how gay relationships work, let me fill you in. Everything will happen in reverse. Sex usually comes first, then comes dating, then comes a relationship that usually lasts for a couple of hours to a couple of weeks. It is in the relationship phase where we decide whether we want to be in a relationship with that person or not. Breaks-ups and polygamy are as normal as having toast for breakfast. Theres no questioning the abundance of men who are jerks when it comes to relationships. Ergo, a relationship between two men most often have twice the amount of jerk as compared to a heterosexual relationship. And my EXes are perfect examples.

Lets take Mr. E as our first specimen, broke up with because the only thing more boring than a date with him is a date with him in bed. He has a manhood the size of a mushroom and sex with him is always an epic fail.

Mr. Breadstick. Broke up with him because he’s the type of person who’s never wrong. Don’t you just hate these men? Mr. Breadstick has an ego the size of his two front teeth, and when i say this, I mean something colossal. Why Mr. Breadstick you might ask. I was with my friends in an italian resto once and they served us these soggy breadsticks. I picked one up and started poking them with it. Sex with Mr. Breadstick is like having sex these breadsticks. He’s one tripod alright, limp as a 3 legged dog.

I also have Mr. CollegeDropOut. The immature EX. Dropped out of college, refused to find work, will never have a future. Broke up with him for these obvious reason, together with his annoying habit of talking during sex. I’m a firm believer that vocabulary during sex should be restricted to ooh’s, ah’s, yeah, yes and spank me’s. Conversations outside of these words should be considered as a sexual blunder.

Its really hard to find a decent man out there, but its harder to find a decent gay man. Gay people may be the most vain, self-centered and insecure people you may ever meet. I sincerely thank my EXes for making moving to New York a whole lot easier for me. You, my dear EXes, will be constant reminders of the part of my life hat I’d be glad to leave behind.

Hello world!

I originally started my blog in wordpress.com but found the blogsite way too complicated. My powers couldn't handle it, so here i am now. This was my first post on wordpress.

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

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I chose neither to delete nor edit this default blog because if you took a picture of me right now, this would be the subtitle for that picture. HELLO WORLD! in all its capital letter glory.

I recently graduated from the oldest university in asia. 400 years old, imagine that. But as old as this university is, i am as young. I am, what you could say, fresh meat for the jungle that we commonly know as “LIFE”. To start things properly, i feel its apt that i make a short list of “about me” stuff:

1. i’m 22, i am at the prime age. The age where everyone is “hottest” or “sexiest” as they can ever be. The age wherein the years after will start to be wrinkly and soggy.

2. i’m currently a bum

3. life as i know it, is just about to change (read further as to why)

4. and i’m gay, that always makes things more interesting.

I started blogging because i feel like this would help me keep track of my life. Sort of how little girls keep they’re diaries, except I’m not little anymore and i didn’t start of as a girl. In 2 months time, i’m going to be sent to New York. With no one but myself and nothing but my drive to start my own life. Forever saying goodbye to the droning bum’s life and the umbrella of safety provided by my family.

It’s always hard when someone has to leave. But what people don’t realize, it’s harder when you’re the one who has to leave. I’d like to ponder about this, what makes leaving so hard? Most people would say it’s the transition, the drastic change in one’s life or being away from your family. But i beg to differ, transition and drastic change? I’m young, and young people have the natural craving for something different, for the unknown, for change. Being away from my family? i doubt. I lived the last 22 years of my life with a family where there’s always someone missing at the dinner table. Growing up, my dad was a pilot and my mom was a flight attendant. I practically begged them to leave sometimes because i want them to buy me “pasalubongs.” (presents from wherever they fly). Aside from this, I spent my college days away from my family. I’m used to it. I think leaving will be hard for me because i know there is no turning back. When something is goes wrong, i can no longer run home to mommy or daddy. When i get depressed, and believe me when i say it happens a lot, i will no longer have my family to pull me through. No more safety. No more security.

when i leave, it will be as if it’s my family who left me. when I leave, i’m the one who’s gonna be alone.

So there you go, thats going to be my story. Young gay and alone in New York, New York!